6621 —שלום בית ע"י ידידים וויתור, טהרת המשפחה, ועצות נגד השכחה

B"H, 3rd of Teves, 5719
Brooklyn.

Brachah v'Shalom!

In reply to your letter of 12/1^[1].

a) Regarding what you wrote about your sister, may she live long^[2], and the family relations in her home: in such matters one sees tangibly that the words of friends and acquaintances have more effect than those of relatives. Therefore one should ask friends and acquaintances to speak about this – and, it is understood, in a way that it will not be known that the request came from you.

It is likewise understood that your sister should not insist on her due even in matters in which, in her opinion, she is one hundred percent right; for great is peace, and especially peace in the home^[3], so that it is worthwhile to forgo one's due^[4] and to restrain oneself, as long as the peace is kept.

Surely it is superfluous to point out that she should increase her observance of the statutes and laws of family purity (niddah, the hefsek taharah, immersion in a kosher mikveh, etc.), for closeness that is not in accordance with the law brings about distance^[5]. I hope that you will find the appropriate words^[6] with which to explain the above to your sister, may she live long.

b) Regarding what you wrote about forgetfulness: among the advice offered in this matter is to change one's study from time to time, that is^[7],

not to study for hours on one subject or in one style, but after studying for about an hour or half an hour, to switch to another subject, or to study in a different style, as in the difference between breadth and depth^[8], etc. Another piece of advice is to write down the content of the subjects one studies, or their main points.

And since everything requires the help of Heaven: your mother, may she live long, and your sister should keep the custom of Jewish women to set aside something for tzedakah before lighting the candles^[9] every Erev Shabbos and Erev Yom Tov; they should have the mezuzos in their homes checked, that they all be kosher according to law, as well as the tefillin of the husband, may he live long; and you yourself (the writer) should set aside a few coins for tzedakah every weekday before the morning prayer^[10].

With blessing for good tidings^[11] in all the above,

In the name of the Rebbe shlita^[12],

Secretary

Notes

1. 12/1 (12/1): That is, 1 December 1958, which was 19 Kislev 5719.

2. May she live long (תי'): תי' = תחי' (תחיה), "may she live".

3. Great is peace, and especially peace in the home (גדול השלום ובפרט שלום בית): See Shabbos 116a: ומה לעשות שלום בין איש לאשתו אמרה תורה שמי שנכתב בקדושה ימחה על המים, "To make peace between a man and his wife, the Torah said that My Name, written in holiness, may be erased in the water" (in the passage of the sotah). Peace in the home is so great that the Torah gave up even the erasure of G‑d's Name for it; all the more should a person give up his own insistence for its sake.

4. To forgo one's due (להיות מעבירה על המדות): After Rosh Hashanah 17a: כל המעביר על מדותיו מעבירין לו על כל פשעיו, "Whoever forgoes his due, all his transgressions are forgiven." To "pass over one's measures" is to yield and not to insist on measuring out to others what they deserve.

5. Closeness that is not in accordance with the law brings about distance (קורבה שלא כדין מביאה לריחוק): Closeness between husband and wife that does not follow the laws of the Torah causes distance between them. See Niddah 31b: "Rabbi Meir used to say: Why did the Torah say that a niddah is impure for seven days? Because he is accustomed to her and comes to be repelled by her. The Torah said: let her be impure for seven days, so that she will be as dear to her husband as when she entered the chuppah." Keeping the laws of family purity itself strengthens the closeness and the peace of the home.

6. The appropriate words (אותיות המתאימות): Literally "the appropriate letters": a common expression for words and language suited to be accepted by the listener.

7. That is (ז.א.): ז.א. = זאת אומרת, "that is to say".

8. Breadth and depth (בקיאות והעמקה): Study for breadth (bekius), covering much material quickly, and study in depth (iyun), delving into one subject; alternating between them is an example of changing the "style" of study.

9. The candles (הנרות): The Shabbos and Yom Tov candles.

10. Before the morning prayer (לפני התפלה בבקר): After Bava Basra 10a: רבי אלעזר יהיב פרוטה לעני, והדר מצלי, "Rabbi Elazar would give a coin to a poor man and then pray, for it is written, 'I, in righteousness, shall behold Your face'" (Tehillim 17:15). Hence this tzedakah is given "every weekday", not on Shabbos and Yom Tov.

11. Good tidings (בשו"ט): בשו"ט = בשורות טובות.

12. In the name of the Rebbe shlita (בשם כ"ק אדמו"ר שליט"א): כ"ק אדמו"ר שליט"א = כבוד קדושת אדוננו מורנו ורבנו שיחיה לאורך ימים טובים אמן. The letter was written by the secretary in the Rebbe's name.

Summary

Answering a woman's letter through his secretary, the Rebbe advises that a family conflict in her sister's home be addressed through friends rather than relatives, that the sister yield even where she is right for the sake of shalom bayis, and that she strengthen the observance of family purity. For forgetfulness: vary the subject and style of study and note down the main points; and, for Heaven's help, tzedakah before candle-lighting and before prayer, and checking mezuzos and tefillin.