5956 —שידוך עם מי שמקבל עליו שמירת תורה ומצוות – אין עושים מצוות חבילות, ותקופת נסיון לפני קביעת המועד

B"H, 29 Kislev, 5718
Brooklyn.

Blessing and peace!

In reply to your letter of Erev Chanukah, in which you write about a proposed match^[1], and that the proposal is pleasing in your eyes, and you see in it a double mitzvah: saving a Jewish soul by its return to the source from which it was hewn^[2] (a way of life according to the Torah and mitzvah), and the mitzvah of marriage.

Now in general, about such mitzvos our Sages said, "one does not perform mitzvos in bundles"^[3]; and the way of the world is that marriage is not a means for educating one another^[4], and how much more so^[5] not for changing the most basic matters in the life of the other side. And especially since, as it seems from your letter, this would be a change in the way of life that the person in question has followed for a number of years, and suddenly he would be required to take upon himself the yoke of Torah and mitzvos in everyday life, that is to say^[6], to change from his habits several times a day. And especially since, even when people take such a change upon themselves, they do not always estimate in advance the difficulty involved for one who for a long time has conducted himself in the opposite way.

You do not mention in your letter what the answer of the person in question was to the condition you stated, and above all the character of the answer: I mean, whether he agrees to it because he has no choice, or whether he does it willingly, or even with joy and gladness of heart^[7].

In any case, even if the answer was in the best of terms, since, as at the end of your letter, the date has not been set^[8], it is proper that he begin at once to conduct himself in the way of life that you require of him, and that the coming weeks be a kind of trial period, for him and for you.

And may G‑d, may He be blessed^[9], who watches over each and every one^[10] with individual Providence, guide you on the good path before you, in visible and revealed good.

With blessing,

In the name of the Rebbe shlita,

Secretary

Cross-reference

Marriage is not a means for educating (הנשואין הן לא כמטרה בכדי לחנך): See also below, vol. 18, letter 6778 (to a religious young woman who asked whether she could marry a young man who is not observant: the purpose of a match is not to educate the other side and change him from one extreme to the other).

Notes

1. A proposed match (הצעת הנכבדות): A shidduch proposal.

2. The source from which it was hewn (כור מחצבתה): The source from which the soul was hewn, after Yeshayahu 51:1: "Look to the rock from which you were hewn, and to the hollow of the pit from which you were dug." That is, the young man's return to a life according to Torah and mitzvos, the source of his soul.

3. "One does not perform mitzvos in bundles" (אין עושים מצות חבילות): Sotah 8a (and Berachos 49a; Pesachim 102b). Two mitzvos are not to be joined together as if they were a burden. So here: the mitzvah of marriage and the mitzvah of bringing the young man back are not to be bundled, doing the one by means of the other.

4. One another (זא"ז): זה את זה. See also vol. 18, letter 6778, where the Rebbe likewise writes that the purpose of a match is not to educate the other side.

5. How much more so (עאכו"כ): על אחת כמה וכמה.

6. That is to say (ז.א.): זאת אומרת.

7. With joy and gladness of heart (בשמחה ובטוב לבב): The words of the verse, Devarim 28:47. The question is whether he accepted the condition out of necessity, having no choice, or out of will and joy.

8. The date has not been set (לא קבעו המועד): The wedding date has not yet been fixed, so there is time to see in practice whether he keeps his undertaking.

9. G‑d, may He be blessed (השי"ת): השם יתברך.

10. Each and every one (כאו"א): כל אחד ואחד.

Summary

A young woman sees a double mitzvah in a proposed match with a man who would return to Torah observance. The Rebbe's secretariat answers that mitzvos are not bundled together, and marriage is not meant to educate or remake the other side; such a change, several times a day after years of another way of life, is harder than people expect. What matters is whether he accepts it gladly or only because he must, so, since no date has been set, he should start living that way now, as a trial period for them both.