Shidduchim – A partner who isn't observant

שידוכים – צד שאינו שומר מצוות

On a shidduch with someone not committed to Torah observance, the Rebbe's guidance is firm:

A Jewish home must be built by two people who are both committed to Torah and mitzvos in practice. Promises of future observance are not enough; look for a match with someone already living by Torah and mitzvos (IK 6778, 7122, 9489). Check not only outward compatibility but sincere religious commitment and a practical willingness to keep Torah (IK 6333).

Marriage should not be relied on to change the other person. Trying to change someone's beliefs or way of life through marriage is uncertain; real commitment has to come from within. If change is going to happen, wait until it genuinely has (IK 6750, 7122, 7269). If a prospective chosson refuses even a private commitment to live by the Torah, proceed with great caution (IK 4936).

For parents whose child is in a relationship with someone not Jewish: act promptly but discreetly. Involve the community's help, quietly create opportunities for the child to meet suitable Jewish partners, look discreetly into any claimed conversion, keep the home's spiritual safeguards in place, and avoid direct confrontation that could push the child away (IK 1771, 6197).

Shiurim in this topic

1771. Guidance for a Parent on Preventing Interfaith Relationships הדרכה להורה על מניעת קשרים בין דתיים

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2726. A Successful Marriage Cannot Be Based on Reluctance or Compulsion נישואין מוצלחים אינם יכולים להיות מבוססים על אי רצון או כפיה

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4200. Not Worrying About Past Religiosity in Marriage Proposals לא לדאוג לגבי דתיות בעבר בהצעות נישואין

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4936. Shidduch Advice When Prospective Groom Avoids Commitment to Jewish Practice עצה לשידוך כאשר החתן המיועד מתחמק מהתחייבות לקיום יהדות

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5082. Guidance on Conversion Case Involving a Woman and Her Daughter הדרכה בענין גירות הנוגע לאשה ולבתה

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5956. A Match with One Who Undertakes to Keep Torah and Mitzvos: Mitzvos Are Not Bundled Together, and a Trial Period Before Setting the Date שידוך עם מי שמקבל עליו שמירת תורה ומצוות – אין עושים מצוות חבילות, ותקופת נסיון לפני קביעת המועד