6778 —שידוך בין בחורה דתית לבחור שאינו דתי: השידוך אינו לחנך את הצד השני

B"H, 19 Adar II^[1], 5719
Brooklyn.

Brachah v'Shalom!

In reply to your letter of 24/2^[2], in which you ask whether a religious girl may marry a young man who is not religious.

It is understood that the purpose of a shidduch is not to educate another Jew and change him from one extreme to the other^[3], but mainly to build a home in Israel on the foundations of the Torah and mitzvah, and to educate the children, when G‑d, may He be blessed^[4], blesses them with the fruit of the womb, in holy purity. And it is understood that with a shidduch such as this it would be extremely difficult for you to carry the above into practice. Even if he promises to become religious – besides the fact that it is impossible to know in advance whether he will keep this fully – religiousness in general that comes in order to do a favor for someone else, and especially when it is bound up with a shidduch, is understandably without foundation. Religiousness must be every single day and must bring about actions in life, and all this does not come about through a mere promise that he will do what he is told.

From the above it is understood that it is worthwhile for you to take an interest in proposals of shidduchim with young men who study Torah and actually keep the mitzvos; and several such are now to be found in your country.

As to what you write about your plan of studies, your talks with the girls, and receiving suitable literature for this: you should turn about this to our office in Casablanca^[5], at the address below.

With blessing for good news^[6] in all the above,

On behalf of the Rebbe, shlita,
Secretary

Publisher's notes

It is understood that the matter of a shidduch (מובן שענין השידוך): See also above, letter 6750; above, vol. 16, letter 5956.

Notes

1. 19 Adar II (י"ט אד"ש): אד"ש = אדר שני, Adar II. 19 Adar II 5719 was Sunday, 29 March 1959.

2. 24/2 (24/2): 24 February 1959, Tuesday, 16 Adar I.

3. Not to educate another Jew and change him from one extreme to the other (אין זה ענינו לחנך את מי שהוא מישראל ולשנותו מן הקצה אל הקצה): The Rebbe wrote similarly in Kislev 5718 to a girl offered a shidduch with someone who had not been living a life of Torah and mitzvos, who saw in it "saving a Jewish soul by its return to its source": "the way of the world is that marriage is not a goal for educating one another, all the more so not for changing the most basic matters in the life of the other side"; he suggested that "the person concerned begin at once to conduct himself in the way of life she requires of him, and let the coming weeks be a kind of trial period for him and for her" (vol. 16, letter 5956). And on 5 Adar II 5719 he wrote to another girl: "a shidduch and a wedding are not a matter whose goal is education", and that she should end the matter "at least until he actually becomes religious, conducts himself for some time in a religious way of life" (letter 6750 above).

4. G‑d, may He be blessed (השי"ת): השי"ת = השם יתברך.

5. Our office in Casablanca (הלשכה שלנו בכאזא): עד"ז = על דבר זה, "about this". כאזא = Casablanca, Morocco (likewise the Rebbe wrote to R. Yehudah Leib Raskin of their safe "arrival in כאזא", and the publisher's note there reads "Raskin, Casablanca" – vol. 19, letter 7289). "The address below": the office's address written at the foot of the letter, not printed.

6. Good news (בשו"ט): בשו"ט = בשורות טובות.

Summary

A religious girl asked whether she may marry a young man who is not religious. The letter answers that a shidduch is not meant to educate the other side and change him completely, but to build a Jewish home on Torah; a promise to become religious, made for her sake, has no foundation. She should consider Torah-observant young men, and turn to the Lubavitch office in Casablanca about her studies and suitable literature.