6670 —עצות להטבת היחסים בין ההורים ולהחלשת מדת הכעס

B"H, 2 Shevat, 5719
Brooklyn.

Brachah v'Shalom!

In reply to your letter and its contents:

a) The relations between your father and mother, may they live.

In matters such as these it is understood that first of all your mother, may she live, should not let herself be drawn in and enter into a quarrel, even in matters where in her opinion the father is not right at all. When he sees that she has no wish for quarrels and strife, his own wish for it will also weaken and lessen from time to time. One should also ask their friends in the place to influence the father to improve his attitude; and of course the father must not know that the mother asked them to do so.

And since everything requires help and blessing from Above, it would be right for your mother to set aside a few coins for tzedakah every weekday morning, in addition to what she surely does according to the custom of Jewish women, to set aside tzedakah before lighting the candles every Erev Shabbos and Erev Yom Tov^[1].

It is understood that all the above is in addition to the sons and daughters, may they live, influencing the parents with words of respect and pleasantness to improve the relations between them.

b) About your trait of irritability and anger.

Ask your teachers to explain to you at length the matter of Divine Providence (hashgachah pratis), which is one of the foundations of our faith. Its content is that the Creator of the world, who conducts it, watches with individual Providence over every detail of the events of your life; that is to say^[2], at every moment you are under the watch of the Creator, who looks upon all your actions^[3]. When you contemplate this several times, until it is engraved in your memory, it will surely have an effect on you, to weaken the irritability and anger, etc.

Likewise, fulfill the mitzvah according to the Shulchan Aruch^[4], that one who has slighted another's honor, even out of anger, must ask him for complete forgiveness. Since asking forgiveness is hard for a person, and you will nevertheless overcome this and ask forgiveness, then every time you are about to become irritated you will surely remember that afterwards you will have to humble yourself to ask forgiveness; and this too will help you weaken the trait of irritability, etc.

And to increase G‑d's blessing^[5] in this, you should influence your friends in matters of ahavas Yisrael and bringing hearts close to one another. Then, by the way of the Holy One, blessed be He, which is measure for measure, only many times over^[6], there is added from Above in this very matter for the one who exerts herself in it.

With blessing for good news^[7] in all the above,

In the name of the Rebbe shlita^[8],

Secretary

P.S.

In my secretariat they do not write French, and therefore the reply comes in the Holy Tongue; but you may continue to write in French as well, since I read this language^[9].

Notes

1. The custom of Jewish women… before lighting the candles (מנהג בנות ישראל, להפריש לצדקה קודם הדלקת הנרות): The Rebbe wrote similarly to another woman (vol. 13, letter 4448): "in addition to what she surely observes, the good custom of virtuous Jewish women to set aside tzedakah before lighting the candles every Erev Shabbos and Erev Yom Tov, she should do so every weekday morning, setting aside a few coins for tzedakah". And the Rebbe lists this custom (vol. 12, letter 3817) among the ways of hiskashrus that are "the channel for receiving the blessing": "and for the women, may they live, giving tzedakah before lighting the candles every Erev Shabbos and Erev Yom Tov".

2. That is to say (ז.א.): ז.א. = זאת אומרת.

3. Who looks upon all your actions (המביט על כל פעולותי'): Compare the Mishnah, Avos 2:1: והסתכל בשלשה דברים ואי אתה בא לידי עברה – דע מה למעלה ממך, עין רואה ואוזן שומעת, וכל מעשיך בספר נכתבין, "Consider three things and you will not come to sin: know what is above you – an eye that sees, an ear that hears, and all your deeds are written in a book." Contemplating that all her actions are open before the Creator at every moment is what will weaken the irritability.

4. According to the Shulchan Aruch (ע"פ השולחן ערוך): See the Alter Rebbe's Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim 606:1: עבירה שבין אדם לחבירו אין יום הכיפורים מכפר עד שירצה את חבירו... ואפילו לא הקניטו אלא בדברים – צריך לילך ולפייסו ולבקש ממנו שימחול לו, "For a sin between a person and his fellow, Yom Kippur does not atone until he appeases his fellow… even if he only provoked him with words, he must go and appease him and ask him to forgive him"; and 606:8: "Although all year round it is proper for every person to appease at once anyone he has wronged, on Erev Yom Kippur one must be especially careful about it." The obligation to ask forgiveness, being hard for a person, will itself act as a brake on anger.

5. G‑d (השי"ת): השי"ת = השם יתברך, "G‑d, blessed be He".

6. Measure for measure, only many times over (מדה כנגד מדה אלא שכמה פעמים ככה): Based on Sanhedrin 90a: שכל מדותיו של הקב"ה, מדה כנגד מדה, "all the ways of the Holy One, blessed be He, are measure for measure"; and Sotah 11a: 'וכן לענין הטובה', דבאותה מדה. ולעולם מדה טובה מרובה ממדת פורענות, "'And so too with good' – in the same measure; and the measure of good always exceeds the measure of punishment"; Rashi there: דבאותה מדה – דוגמא מעין אותו ענין, ומיהו יותר ממה שעשה משתלם, "in the same measure – of the same kind, but he is repaid more than he did". When she works to bring her friends' hearts close, she is given more from Above in that very matter, beyond what she did.

7. Good news (בשו"ט): בשו"ט = בשורות טובות.

8. The Rebbe shlita (כ"ק אדמו"ר שליט"א): כ"ק אדמו"ר שליט"א = "our holy master, teacher and Rebbe, may he live long and good days, amen". The letter was written and signed by the secretary in the Rebbe's name.

9. Since I read this language (כיון שקורא הנני שפה זו): The postscript is in the Rebbe's own voice ("my secretariat", "I read"): the reply was written in the Holy Tongue because the secretariat does not write French, but the Rebbe reads French, so she may continue writing to him in French.

Summary

Answering a girl who wrote in French, the Rebbe advises, through his secretary, how her mother can calm the tension with her father: by not being drawn into quarrels, by asking friends to influence him, and by daily tzedakah. For her own anger: contemplating Divine Providence, asking forgiveness of anyone she offends, and spreading ahavas Yisrael among her friends, which G‑d repays many times over.