6638 —חידוש שידוך שנפסק: מחילת האחות הבכירה והוספת שם; פיקוח על "כשרות המוח והלב" של העולים

B"H, 11th of Teves, 5719
Brooklyn.

Shalom u'Vrachah!

In reply to your letter of the fifth of Teves^[1], in which you write that some time ago you met a young woman, etc., and you had already spoken of marriage and even of the date of the wedding, and afterwards she went back on her word and you parted, etc.

From your words it appears that there was not even a binding of tenaim between you^[2]; nor is it entirely^[3] clear whether the older sister of this young woman has meanwhile become engaged, and whether there was no forgiveness stated outright^[4], or, as you write, that she told her sister not to wait for her, etc.

As for what to do in practice: if her older sister has become engaged, or at least^[5] forgives wholeheartedly, it is advisable to add a name to one of the mothers, for I see in your letter that the name of the young woman's mother and the name of your mother are the same...^[6] And after that, to take up the matter once more with the young woman, since the reason she gave for parting is too flimsy.

Another point in this, and it too is a main point: when you spoke about the match, did you both agree together that you will build your home on the foundations of Torah and mitzvah, a traditional home? As above, this is the main thing for the success of the match^[7].

Since, as you write in your letter, your task is to supervise the kashrus in...^[8], I wish to hope that you not only do this as is required, but that, as far as you are able, you bring into your task also the supervision of the kashrus of the mind and heart of the immigrants, and not only the kashrus of the food^[9]. I mean with regard to the general conduct of the places where the immigrants are, the shul, etc., and matters of education there, and a connection with those who tremble at the word of G‑d in the vicinity of these places. Surely one who is on the spot has still more ways to act in this direction. And this too will serve as a channel and a vessel for added blessings from G‑d, blessed be He^[10], in whatever you need.

With blessings for good news^[11] in all the above,

In the name of the Rebbe^[12], shlita,

Secretary

Publisher's notes

The supervision… of the mind and heart (ההשגחה .. דמוח ולב): See above, vol. 12, letter 4009, and the sources noted there.

Notes

1. Of the fifth of Teves (מחמישי בטבת): That is, of 5 Teves, Tuesday of the previous week (16 December 1958); this letter was written on 11 Teves.

2. A binding of tenaim (קישורי תנאים): The writing of the "tenaim", the formal agreement between the families of the groom and the bride, made before the wedding, which sets out the terms of the match and of the wedding. That is, they had not even reached a formal engagement; they had only spoken of the wedding and of its date.

3. Entirely (כ"כ): כ"כ = כל כך, "so much, entirely".

4. Her older sister... forgiveness stated outright (אחותה הבכירה... מחילה בפה מלא): The recipient had written that the young woman has an older sister who is not yet married, which raises the matter of "giving the younger before the elder", Bereishis 29:26: ויאמר לבן לא יעשה כן במקומנו לתת הצעירה לפני הבכירה, "Lavan said: It is not done so in our place, to give the younger before the elder." In letter 5647 (17 Menachem Av 5717) the Rebbe writes that nowadays, "if the elder sister forgives fully, preferably in writing or before valid witnesses, the matter has been permitted." That is why the Rebbe asks here whether the older sister has meanwhile become engaged, and if not, whether she forgave outright, or only told her sister not to wait for her.

5. At least (עכ"פ): עכ"פ = על כל פנים, "at any rate, at least".

6. To add a name to one of the mothers... the same... (להוסיף שם למי שהיא מהאמהות... שוה הוא...): That is, the young woman's mother and the recipient's mother have the same name, so the Rebbe directs that a name be added to one of them. The continuation of the sentence (marked by the dots) was not printed. The Tzava'ah of R' Yehuda HaChasid also cautions about mechutanim who share a name. The more familiar case, a bride with the same name as the groom's mother, is different; see letter 6104.

7. As above, this is the main thing for the success of the match (וכנ"ל זהו עיקר להצלחת השדוך): That is, before taking up the match again, the main thing is to make sure that both agreed to build their home according to the Torah; "as above" refers back to what was said earlier, that this is what the success of the match rests on.

8. To supervise the kashrus in... (לפקח על הכשרות ב...): That is, the recipient supervises the kashrus at a place where new immigrants to the Holy Land are housed. The name of the place was left out in print (marked by the dots).

9. The kashrus of the mind and heart of the immigrants (הכשרות דמוח ולב של העולים): That is, just as his task is to see that the food that enters the immigrants' bodies is kosher, so he should try to see that what enters their minds and hearts is "kosher": the conduct of the places where they live, the shul, education there, and contact with the G‑d-fearing people of the area. As the Rebbe says at the end of the paragraph, one who is on the spot has still more ways to act in this direction.

10. G‑d, blessed be He (השי"ת): השי"ת = השם יתברך.

11. Good news (לבשו"ט): לבשו"ט = לבשורות טובות.

12. In the name of the Rebbe (בשם כ"ק אדמו"ר שליט"א): כ"ק אדמו"ר = כבוד קדושת אדוננו מורנו ורבנו, "his holiness, our master, teacher and Rebbe". That is, the letter was written and signed by the secretary in the Rebbe's name.

Summary

The recipient's match was broken off before any tenaim. The Rebbe asks whether the young woman's older sister has become engaged or forgiven her, advises adding a name to one of the two mothers, who share a name, and then renewing the match, provided both agree to a home built on Torah. He urges him, as a kashrus supervisor among new immigrants, to care also for the "kashrus of their mind and heart".