5892 —אין לדחות חתונה מפני חובות או חשש מלעיגים – נותנים פרנסה בשביל האשה

B"H, 3rd of Kislev, 5718
Brooklyn.

Shalom u'Vrachah!

... As to what you write in general, whether to think about a shidduch^[1] for your son ..., may he live: in this and in the like, with others too, one should not unsettle the son or the daughter until there is some specific proposal that touches on actual practice. For what is the benefit of their knowing that one is thinking about it? It is impossible that it should not unsettle them at any rate^[2] a little, and after all this^[3] there is no detailed proposal — especially since it is bound up, at any rate to some extent, with the question of getting established^[4].

As to what you write regarding the wedding of your son ..., may he live — the reason for drawing it out^[5], since he is pressed by debts etc. etc., although the in-laws say that from their side there is no obstacle at all; and you do not know what to do about this.

This is astonishing^[6] and amazing. For it is known from the sayings of our Sages, and explained in Likkutei Torah at the end of Parshas Berachah, that livelihood is given to a man for the sake of his wife^[7]; so, on the contrary, it may be that he is pressed precisely because he has not yet married! And the argument that there are no suitable clothes etc. — it is understood how ridiculous it is in an essential matter such as the above, which affects the whole of life, as a wedding does. And even if it were certain that there are people who mock, the beginning of all four parts of the Shulchan Aruch is that one should not be ashamed etc.^[8] And especially since this is an imaginary matter: no one mocks at this even in the United States^[9], whose people are known throughout the world as those among whom money takes up the greatest place; and a number of Jews here, even those who were not raised in a Chassidic home and a home of Temimim, marry on condition that^[10] the husband will afterwards study in a kollel for several years, with the agreement of both the groom and the bride, although they live a life of want. How much more so^[11] when we are speaking of the son of Temimim^[12] etc. etc. It is a wonder that even in so simple a matter one has to ask across the sea, and when one answers it — it is doubtful whether the words will help and whether they will have their effect. And more wondrous still: apparently, with the parents the above reasons count for no less than with the son. Is it possible that such a thing be told?^[13] As for what you write that he says, "Why hurry?" — the astonishing nature of this argument is understood, even more than the above, for a person knows his own self^[14]; and as the sayings of our Sages on this are known, and this is easily understood^[15].

May it be G‑d's will that you report good news in all the above, and that the news be in a Chassidic spirit.

With blessing.

M. Schneerson.

[Publisher's notes: Printed in Likkutei Sichos vol. 19, p. 512.]

Notes

1. A shidduch (נכבדות): In the usage of the Jewish people: a marriage proposal.

2. At any rate (עכ"פ): על כל פנים.

3. After all this (אחכ"ז): אחר כל זה.

4. The question of getting established (שאלת ההסתדרות): That is: the question of how the son will establish himself in life (livelihood and the like) after his marriage.

5. Drawing it out (להמשיך בזה): That is: the reason you give for postponing the wedding and dragging out its date.

6. Astonishing (תמי'): תמיהה.

7. Livelihood is given to a man for the sake of his wife (נותנים פרנסה לאיש בשביל אשתו): The saying of our Sages in Bava Metzia 59a: "A person should always be careful about the honor of his wife, for blessing is found in a person's home only on account of his wife." And Likkutei Torah, end of Parshas Berachah (the maamar Mizmor Shir Chanukas): "With all this one will understand the saying of our Sages (Yevamos 62b) on 'to bring a blessing to your home' — that a man's blessing comes on account of his wife." From this the Rebbe concludes: it may be that the financial pressure comes precisely because he has not yet married, and it is no reason to postpone the wedding.

8. The beginning of all four parts of the Shulchan Aruch is that one should not be ashamed (התחלת כל הד' חלקי שו"ע הוא שאל יבוש): At the very beginning of the Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim 1:1, in the gloss of the Rema: "and he should not be ashamed before people who mock him in his service of G‑d, blessed be He."

9. The United States (ארצוה"ב): ארצות הברית. ששם להן בכל העולם: "who have a name throughout the world", i.e. Americans are known everywhere as people among whom money counts most.

10. On condition that (ע"מ): על מנת.

11. How much more so (עאכו"כ): על אחת כמה וכמה.

12. Temimim (תמימים): Students of the Tomchei Temimim yeshivah.

13. Is it possible that such a thing be told? (האפשרי כי יסופר?): After the verse (Chavakuk 1:5): "For I am working a deed in your days which you will not believe when it is told."

14. A person knows his own self (ידע אינש בנפשי'): Aramaic (see Berachos 30b). That is: the son himself knows his own state and why the wedding should not be put off. The Rebbe does not spell it out, but only hints at it, here and in "the sayings of our Sages", such as "eighteen for the wedding canopy" (Avos 5:21) and what is said in Kiddushin 29b about not delaying marriage.

15. This is easily understood (וק"ל): וקל להבין.

Summary

One should not unsettle a son or daughter by talk of a shidduch until there is a concrete proposal. As for postponing a son's wedding because of debts and a lack of suitable clothes, though the other side sees no obstacle: livelihood is given for the sake of the wife, so the pressure may be because he has not yet married. Fear of mockery is no reason — the Shulchan Aruch opens with not being ashamed before scoffers — and even in America young couples marry so the husband can learn in kollel. "Why hurry?" is the most astonishing argument of all, for a person knows himself.